I wish I could sit here, with my coffee in hand, and tell you that I have enjoyed each season of my life. The truth is, that up until the beginning of this year, I did not enjoy each season of my life. Truthfully I didn't "enjoy" any season of my life. Ladies in waiting was actually formed in my twenties because that is exactly what I felt like. A lady in waiting, never actually doing anything. Waiting for my turn, pacing, frustrated, depressed, emotional,and angry, note that none of these are fruits of the spirit. It was during my twenties that God developed internal values, set me free, and set me up with some divine relationships. While in the process of waiting, I went through feelings of being looked for leadership positions, being faithful when I didn't feel like it mattered, doing the best I could and still never feeling like I measured up, and I think I spent more time throwing my hands up in frustration wondering what God was doing. My twenties were tear filled years and although I would never want to do them again, I wouldn't take them back for anything. I would like to share with you why they were so valuable.
I wasn't like other girls, I had a big mouth and a strong personality at a very young age. That didn't jive with the christian community I was growing up in. The word submission was a curse word to me, I had seen it abused and used to control women, and I didn't play by the rules. I knew at 14 that God was calling me to speak and leadership, and I also knew at 14 that I was not going to do it. "I will sing for you God, but I don't want to speak." Speaking was in my mind "mans" work and I knew that as a girl if I stepped out and spoke I would go through the very same hardships I saw my mom go through. (My mom was a female minister when it wasn't ok and she fought for rights for women with in the church. ) I had too many fears and hurts concerning this and for a long time I was angry at God, convinced He wanted me to suffer through my life. I was so frustrated I wasn't born a boy: "This would be easier God if you just made me a boy." I would pray. But God never changed his mind, every time I prayed I could hear always "leadership" and "be my mouth piece."
In my mid 20's I finally completely surrendered to this call. I tried to manipulate my way around it, leading kids ministry, hiding behind a keyboard, and pretending to be something I wasn't. But God continued to call me, and again it never changed, "leadership" and "be my mouth piece." During my 20's my husband grew more and more supportive of this. He would whisper at night while I cried tears of frustration, hurt, pain, and bitterness, "You can do anything" "I believe in you." Every time I would be overlooked, talked about, attacked, he was the steady arm for me, and it was in my 20's he became my best friend. I was set free of my childhood of sexual abuse, emotional abuse and spiritual abuse. God healed my hurts, deep wounds, calmed my fears, and killed my pride, all in my twenties. He taught me to hear His voice and trust it above all of my circumstances. To have faith in Him, and not what I can see. Through this blog you will hear about my 20's because these for me were my foundation of being a Lady in Waiting. Like David who learned how to trust God in the field or Joseph who learned how to trust God in slavery. I learned how to trust God in my twenties, I placed the foundation of leadership in my twenties. I want any women reading this to know God has a plan and a purpose for your life, not a work description or a role, but a purpose. So lets settle in together every week and be Ladies in Waiting.
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